It's Not What You Say – It's How You Say It

Welcome to the 118^th edition of “In Touch”. As always, I would love to continue the conversation so please hit reply and let me know what you think.

Story of the Week: “It’s Not What You Say – It’s How You Say It"

There’s a small coffee shop that my wife and I have been visiting almost daily – sometimes twice. Each coffee costs about €3. Add a snack, multiply it by two people, then by 30 days and again by 12 months... you get the idea. This is not a one-time transaction; It’s a relationship… or so I thought.

A few days ago, I entered through the back door. It was not the first time but the barista, who knows me well after all this time, looked at me in a way that I can only describe as hostile. After a few tense seconds, she snapped, “You’re not allowed to come in through that door.”

Then, almost without taking a breath, she added: “How many times do I have to say it?”

I was so shocked that I just stood there, stunned, before forcing myself to answer calmly – though with a hint of sarcasm – that I must be very stupid because, on a previous visit, she had informed me that it was the upstairs toilet that was off-limits. Now it was the back door.

We still drank our coffee. The taste hadn’t changed (it remains my favourite) but the feeling had. The atmosphere was suddenly colder.

If I had unwittingly broken a rule, a simple request – “If you could please use the front entrance next time, we’d really appreciate it” – would probably have preserved the relationship. A person’s words and tone of voice can open doors… or close them forever.

In leadership, in business, in service, it’s never just about what you say. It’s about how you say it. Indeed, research shows that 87% of opinions are formed by the tone of someone’s voice, while only 13% are formed by the actual words they use.

People may forget your rules but they’ll never forget how you made them feel when they did so.

Words of Wisdom

The six most important words: I admit I made a mistake.
The five most important words: You did a good job.
The four most important words: What is your opinion?
The three most important words: Can I help?
The two most important words: Thank you.
The one least important word: I.
—Anonymous

A Question to Ponder, dear friend.

Can you recall a time when someone’s tone changed your perception of their message completely?